Originally posted WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 13, 2014
How to Be There for a Suicidal Friend
With the news of Robin Williams' death by suicide the other day there has finally been some public discussion around the topic. I have known for a long time that we, as a society, don't talk about suicide. It struck me over the last 2 days why that is. It's because people have no idea what to say; and when someone does say something, many times it can be more harmful than helpful. We need to break the stigma, end the judgmental attitudes and open up a safe space for a real conversation. If someone tells you they are thinking of killing themselves there are a few things you can do, and some things you should avoid, to help them.
Do Not Panic
It isn't easy to tell other people when you are thinking of hurting yourself. If someone has said it to you that means they want help, and this is a very good thing. Most people who consider suicide don't really want to die, they just want their pain to end. Sometimes it seems that it won't end unless you make it impossible for yourself to feel pain anymore. If a person is talking about it they want help to try to ease that pain- without hurting themselves physically. By staying calm and offering to talk with the person you are giving them an alternative solution. This is much more helpful than freaking out and making them sorry they opened up to you.
Do Not Report Them
Don't call 911, their therapist or any other entity that can take away control of the person's life, their freedom and ability to make decisions for themselves. (**This does not apply if the person tells you they have a plan that includes when and how they will do it.**) Unless they are in immediate danger you are not only going to make things worse, you are going to make them mad, will lose all of their trust and even possibly the relationship. When you make a call like that, you expose a person to all kinds of dangers, the least of which is being locked up and/or medicated against their will. "Locked up" can be anything from simply being put in jail to being admitted to a locked facility to being physically or medically restrained (aka-drugged into oblivion) to being stripped naked and left in a cement room with only a sheet to cover yourself. Not only does this really suck and not help, it can add more trauma onto the pile of pain the person is already experiencing.
Do Listen Without Judging
One of the worst things you can do for someone feeling suicidal is to pass judgement on them. Things like: "that is stupid", "how can you be so selfish", "that's the coward's way out" are pretty obvious judgements. Ones that might not be as obvious are things like: "don't say that", "how could you do that to your kids/parents/me", "if you do that you will go to hell", and even things like: "it's not that bad" or "shake it off". The person already feels so bad about themselves that death seems the only relief possible, adding shame and guilt to their burden is only going to convince them that it is the only option.
Do Validate Their Pain
You don't have to "understand" or "get" the reason(s) your loved one feels this way. You don't even have to agree that their feelings are correct (e.g. they tell you "no one cares about me") but it is very important that you acknowledge that THEY FEEL that way and how painful that must be. Telling them "that's not true! everyone loves you!" is NOT going to help. Not only does it not change how they feel, it will tell them you don't really care about how they feel about it. Think about it, would you want someone to tell you "oh it's not that bad" if you had cancer or even a broken leg? That would be very invalidating and is a great way to shut someone down. You don't want to say "Yeah, everyone hates you", that isn't the kind of validation I am talking about either. Validation just means you honor their feelings on the subject and won't try to talk them out of those feelings or tell them they are incorrect. Acknowledge how difficult you see that this is for them.
I am not a psychiatrist or any kind of expert in suicide but I am a certified peer counselor and have tried to end my life 4 times and continue to struggle with suicidal ideation quite often. I know what it feels like to think that death is the only way out and I know what has helped me and what has made me feel worse. I have also spoken to several people who have attempted or thought about attempting and found these same things helpful or hurtful. If you really want to BE THERE for your loved one though, you really have to ask them what they need and believe them when they tell you. Sometimes all we really need is to talk about it and we will feel much better. The urge will subside because we let it out and someone is helping us carry the burden. You can be their savior with just your open heart and open ears.
Do Not Panic
It isn't easy to tell other people when you are thinking of hurting yourself. If someone has said it to you that means they want help, and this is a very good thing. Most people who consider suicide don't really want to die, they just want their pain to end. Sometimes it seems that it won't end unless you make it impossible for yourself to feel pain anymore. If a person is talking about it they want help to try to ease that pain- without hurting themselves physically. By staying calm and offering to talk with the person you are giving them an alternative solution. This is much more helpful than freaking out and making them sorry they opened up to you.
Do Not Report Them
Don't call 911, their therapist or any other entity that can take away control of the person's life, their freedom and ability to make decisions for themselves. (**This does not apply if the person tells you they have a plan that includes when and how they will do it.**) Unless they are in immediate danger you are not only going to make things worse, you are going to make them mad, will lose all of their trust and even possibly the relationship. When you make a call like that, you expose a person to all kinds of dangers, the least of which is being locked up and/or medicated against their will. "Locked up" can be anything from simply being put in jail to being admitted to a locked facility to being physically or medically restrained (aka-drugged into oblivion) to being stripped naked and left in a cement room with only a sheet to cover yourself. Not only does this really suck and not help, it can add more trauma onto the pile of pain the person is already experiencing.
Do Listen Without Judging
One of the worst things you can do for someone feeling suicidal is to pass judgement on them. Things like: "that is stupid", "how can you be so selfish", "that's the coward's way out" are pretty obvious judgements. Ones that might not be as obvious are things like: "don't say that", "how could you do that to your kids/parents/me", "if you do that you will go to hell", and even things like: "it's not that bad" or "shake it off". The person already feels so bad about themselves that death seems the only relief possible, adding shame and guilt to their burden is only going to convince them that it is the only option.
Do Validate Their Pain
You don't have to "understand" or "get" the reason(s) your loved one feels this way. You don't even have to agree that their feelings are correct (e.g. they tell you "no one cares about me") but it is very important that you acknowledge that THEY FEEL that way and how painful that must be. Telling them "that's not true! everyone loves you!" is NOT going to help. Not only does it not change how they feel, it will tell them you don't really care about how they feel about it. Think about it, would you want someone to tell you "oh it's not that bad" if you had cancer or even a broken leg? That would be very invalidating and is a great way to shut someone down. You don't want to say "Yeah, everyone hates you", that isn't the kind of validation I am talking about either. Validation just means you honor their feelings on the subject and won't try to talk them out of those feelings or tell them they are incorrect. Acknowledge how difficult you see that this is for them.
I am not a psychiatrist or any kind of expert in suicide but I am a certified peer counselor and have tried to end my life 4 times and continue to struggle with suicidal ideation quite often. I know what it feels like to think that death is the only way out and I know what has helped me and what has made me feel worse. I have also spoken to several people who have attempted or thought about attempting and found these same things helpful or hurtful. If you really want to BE THERE for your loved one though, you really have to ask them what they need and believe them when they tell you. Sometimes all we really need is to talk about it and we will feel much better. The urge will subside because we let it out and someone is helping us carry the burden. You can be their savior with just your open heart and open ears.
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